Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
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Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Is this a threat?
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
We’ve all been there…