Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
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husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
A classic spooky scribbles now in color 🧙♀️
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.