Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
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Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
According to my chocolate advent calendar tomorrow is Christmas
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
When ever I read an autobiography, my biggest question is always, how the fuck did you remember all that?
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
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Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.