Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
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As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Always 🥴
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
every time i talk it sounds like it’s my first time trying to speak
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that