Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
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If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo