Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.

It might have been meant for a really small family.

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(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?

Me: Enthusiasm.


Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”


Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.


I see dead people.

No wait, I take that back.

I see people I want dead.


My ex told me that Gaga’s “Bad Romance” song reminds him of me. Now I’m glad I dumped him. What sort of idiot admits to listening to Gaga.


Daughter is acting so rude I’m not sure she’s even mine. Think my wife may have cheated on me with YouTube’s comments section.


I’m done congratulating people for having babies. Parents have been getting praise for having sex incorrectly for way too long.


My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week