Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
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If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”