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GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Cashiers are always checking me out
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”