Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
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ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
if he doesn’t like your fruit puns you need to let that mango
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Americans can choose from over 1,000 breakfast cereals but only two presidential candidates?
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.