Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?

Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!

When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.

I beg you to euthanise me

the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”

Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament

Priest: Body of Christ..

Gordon Ramsay: Dry.

Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–

Chief Exec: Any Ideas?

Writer 1: Talking Animals!

Writer 2: How about a Princess?

Writer 3: Kill the parents!

-Brainstorming at Disney

I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason

Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.

I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.

I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.

This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen

*Hands you a handbasket*

You know what to do…….

Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

My lady wanted to role play ..we was doing doctor and nurse .she in character gone ask me ..doc did you get the results back…i was like yeah the kid has cancer and will be dead by monday …she talking bout i ruined the mood …my acting just to good for boo boo she a hater

Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?

Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.

[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline

I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth

look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did

Things that interrupt sex:

20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp

This bar smells like my childhood.

if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.

The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.

My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon

just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.

[During sex]

Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.

[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep