Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
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[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
What do you hear?
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?