Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*

My dog: *blasts off from earth*

In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.

You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.

Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.

we stayed at an air bnb with the most perfect pillows. a revelation. perfectly firm but soft. my neck stopped hurting. so I wrote down the brand and item number from the tag and looked it up and they’re the same pillows we have at home

SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them

*lays down on the battlefield*

You all go on without me. I’m tired.

*launders Kohls cash*

ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today

WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!

ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it

good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.

Netflix: Are you still there?

Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?

I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.

Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.

Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys

The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?

Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study

Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?

Getting married soon just need a spouse

Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: Mom

Why do they even asks such dumb questions?

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.

Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”

Me: “Got it.”

*shits pants*

“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that

date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?

professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement

Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.

[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash

A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.

Anyone: You go girl!

Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*

If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.

Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”

I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.