Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
You Might Also Like
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Friday
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
#DesignFail
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”