The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
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Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
My new favorite headline
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Cheers Twitter.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.