Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
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David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Siri: Retweet me.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.