DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! 😡
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45% of divorces stem from $ issues.
45% are caused by infidelity.
The remaining 10% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
woke up in the middle of the night to write this down
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
I have a huge to do list I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.