DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! 😡
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It be like that sometimes 😆
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
I went to an antique auction. Three people bid on me.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.