DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! 😡
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Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Wife: Why are you so handsome?
Me: Because I have an amazing wife who takes care of me and motivates me to stay in shape and eat well
Wife: 🥰
Me: Why are you so pretty?
Wife: bc I have a skin care routine
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
did it work
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Life is getting worse in small but noticeable ways almost every day, but on the other hand, the quality and variety of the frozen pizza aisle has never been better.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?