Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?

Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.

Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.

Me:

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1518682654362660864/pu/vid/406x720/3B8dzB81CAKAzQ1W.mp4?tag=12

I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.

Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.

Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”

(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.

getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process

Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit

My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.

I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue

Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.

I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.

ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher

*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*

TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this

Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?

Me: A lot.

Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.

[god creating worms]

WORM: Alright I’m a snake!

GOD: Well, no you—

WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?

GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy

ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you

ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator

A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice

Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?

Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.

Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.

doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?

patient: yes, on my mother’s side

doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes

Today I quit drinking wine for good.

Now I only drink for evil.

Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?

Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?

If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.

Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.

ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.

PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!

ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?

An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.

1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated

First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?

A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.

Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.