DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! 😡
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Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Your soulmate is too smart to date you
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Nobody victim blames more than my seven-year-old when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother
How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Care for your back
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.