DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! 😡
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Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
If a mummy was chasing me I’d just walk slightly faster