Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.

I’m really happy being single

Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!

lol sometimes I-

[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”

If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.

*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business

being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

Domino’s : we said 30 min or less

My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”

I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂

If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.

Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?

Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull

Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213

A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.

Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.

How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.

[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”

Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.

Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.

Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player

Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married

Interviewer: and you?

Me: distracted her husband with an interview

just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf

I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.

I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter

What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.

Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.

Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones

Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.

I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.

Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”

I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”

My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.

The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize

I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)