Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.

detective: when did this happen.

edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.

detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.

Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?

Victor Frankenstein: No.

I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.

No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.

Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.

Dentist: You can rinse now.

“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”

-Veterinarians

every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address

By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?

Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.

My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.

Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.

most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them

god: u can eat things twice ur size

snake: ok but how

god: go like 😮

snake:

god: then u just kinda :O

You’re like if “nope” was a person.

Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.

I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.

lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair

9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?

Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.

Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?

Sauer crowd.

Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.

7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”

Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax

*shows up at your work*

“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”

Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?

A: A cat. Cats love fish.

If the sun is so hot how come it’s single

WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD

Cathy on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Cathy ? …..Most people love it.

me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time

onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog

Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.