DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! š”
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wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin š
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Iāve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I donāt remember
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: š š¾š š·š“š°š š³ š·šøš¼.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Hello Twits.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Not to brag but Iām an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Iām always confused when people accuse me of ājust tweeting things for attentionā becauseā¦obviously? This isnāt my personal diary. I want people to see it. š
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: Thatās ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Me: I only use one side of my brain.
Them: Which side?
Me: The bad one.