DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! 😡
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I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
December birthdays be like…
Call me old-fashioned, but I thought we’d pretty much sorted the design of the cup.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
I’m the picture of health, but not a very flattering picture. I’m the passport photo of health.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.