Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
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Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
#dnd #ttrpg
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Monica just destroyed the internet
Breaking news:
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
I set up a Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.