Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
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[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
When your diet is finally over.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
(Electricians.)
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.