Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[brain surgery]

SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork

ASSISTANT:

SURGEON: …over that scalpel

Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.

The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen

War & Peace

dude it’s called proctologist

Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.

Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.

My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.

Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.

What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!

*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*

*phone rings

Me: Hello?

Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?

Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!

I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.

[Wendy’s]

Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy

Sure I have depression, but I live in Florida so at least it’s a tropical depression

a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees

me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds

realtor: that just means it’s settling

my fiancee: *creaky sounds*

There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.

I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me

Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?

Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.

My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.

[getting a ride home]

Me: ok keep going straight here

Train engineer: stop saying that

You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?

*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*

Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.

If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.

BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.

If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”

Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.

barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie

me: thank you for the word ‘just’

TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.

Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?

TSA: ….

People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.