“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
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My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
today, on father’s day, i’m thinking about how my dad escaped three wars and worked as a janitor only to see his bloodline die out bc his son discovered menswear forums and spent the next 20 years arguing about pants
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.