“Don’t kill it!” my friend pleaded for a spider’s life inside. So I carefully trapped it in a cup, brought it outside, then stomped on it.

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I can ignore you so hard you will begin to doubt your own existence.


If you ever see me in a restaurant, please approach my table and do your Drunk Uncle impression. Especially if I’m with family or a girl.


Interviewer: So what do you have planned for the future?

Me: Lunch

Interviewer: No like long term.

Me: Oh…Dinner.


Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.


me: i’d like another bag of those goth grapes please

store clerk: *sighs* again sir they’re called olives


My biggest fear is laughing at a joke I didn’t understand and someone asks me to explain it to them.


Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”


remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you


Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.


If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.

The more you know