“Don’t kill it!” my friend pleaded for a spider’s life inside. So I carefully trapped it in a cup, brought it outside, then stomped on it.

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I’m going to put my limbs into each corner of a fitted sheet and attempt to become a sugar glider.


will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break


Turns out police dislike it when you slip out of your handcuffs.

Even if you do say “ABRACADABRA” when you do it.


Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.


I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.


4YO: “So Santa comes down the chimney, into our house, while we’re all sleeping?”

ME: “Yup.”

4YO: “And we’re all just okay with that?”


I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done


If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college


Man buns: Because girls want the convenience of a guy who always has a hair tie.