@SCbchbum

“Don’t kill it!” my friend pleaded for a spider’s life inside. So I carefully trapped it in a cup, brought it outside, then stomped on it.

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@crow_death

I’m going to put my limbs into each corner of a fitted sheet and attempt to become a sugar glider.

@harrismayer

will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break

@thatUPSdude

Turns out police dislike it when you slip out of your handcuffs.

Even if you do say “ABRACADABRA” when you do it.

@joeljeffrey

Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.

@Donna_McCoy

I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.

@MUMSIEesq

4YO: “So Santa comes down the chimney, into our house, while we’re all sleeping?”

ME: “Yup.”

4YO: “And we’re all just okay with that?”

@bridger_w

I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done

@withanewname

If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college

@BreadFoster

Man buns: Because girls want the convenience of a guy who always has a hair tie.