The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
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[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
🤣
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad