Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A baby bear catches snowflakes.

I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.

my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva

me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!

my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ

me: who

god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec

angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad

[ day 2 of self quarantine ]

me: i’m bored

my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe

[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.

How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.

I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.

Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.

I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.

Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.

To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms

“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”

See? My son can turn water into whine, too.

Your move, God.

You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.

But it was nice of you.

velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery

scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery

I’m an over-explainer (I explain things too much)

[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles

So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…

Did Mary have a little lamb?

INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure

Never let them know your next move 😂

we must combat the global scourge of underage baking

Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*

me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.

Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.

My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple

My fingers: so we did a thing

Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet

Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.

‘Pizza toppings. Go.’

-Me, speed dating.

Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..

I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.

I’m not sentimental.

I’m just sick of tripping over them.

“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.