Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds

[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?

The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.

Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.

Never judge a book by its cover…

Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.

I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.

Her: come over

Me: are your parents home?

Her: no 😉

Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!

*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”

Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*

spider: yeah that way’s fine too

shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!

I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.

The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.

I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.

mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice

waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water

10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*

Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.

They’re dead.

[First Date]

Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?

I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.

Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*

My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.

People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.

TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS

*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick

Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.

(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.

If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.

Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.

Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.

Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.

Wife: The same four kids?

Me: I’ll be right back.

Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”

They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.

Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.

There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣