Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush

my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me

It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.

The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time

You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.

“Please, no. I can try harder.”

You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.

Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.

Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]

Wife: STOP THAT

Me: Why?

Wife: It’s like…

Me: It’s like what

Wife: It’s definitely like something

“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.

You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.

It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.

Really bruh?

How much for the soul sucker?

Sir, that’s a baby

Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.

I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.

There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust

give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.

Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me

[news anchor]

“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”

Me: Did-

Wife: Your blood pressure is fine

Awwwww shit.

How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.

I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found

ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.

Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.

4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?

My wife: He cried the most.

Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up

wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?

me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah

My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.

7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.

Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.

Him: Hypnotist?

Me: Oh hip noticed alright.

I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?

My husband:

As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled

This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.