“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
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Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces