Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
