Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.

Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it

MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.

ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.

You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.

You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.

My weirdo cat only drinks from a glass on the kitchen bench. I was chatting to a visiting friend in the kitchen and noticed the cat glass was empty so I filled it. 5 minutes later it was empty again. My friend had just drunk two delicious glasses of cat water. I didn’t tell him.

There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.

I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair

Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.

sailors wish they could swear like me

Just a friendly reminder folks.

Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.

My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.

When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.

Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen

[My first day as a garbageman]

Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.

Me: Goddammit

[my first day as a psychologist]

patient: i’ve been hearing voices

me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours

me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate

gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast

After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.

computer: choose a password

me: TheScarletLetter

computer: password cannot contain symbols

Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.

Also me: *sends him 67 messages*

Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.

Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.

If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??

[harry potter at an interview]

interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes

harry: that’s correct, sir

interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow

Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?

Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.

Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.

Me: That’s different, that’s food.

I’ve just had to let my trousers out.

They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.

Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages

me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness

waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this