Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
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*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Thursday
You’re all badass until that dust bunny in the corner is a real fucking spider.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
It has been 3 years since Monday.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
🖕🏻👽
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Wait. We’re now turning plants into burgers? Haven’t cows been doing that like, forever.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
The Children of the Corn were better with the Children of the Butter and the Children of the Salt.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.