Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
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*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Gonna put this on a dog and blow some minds
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.