Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there

[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery

SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”

ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”

Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.

CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*

ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!

CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?

ME: *Considers* … come in.

ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: …What?

ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii

I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.

[god creating hotdogs]

inflate that worm

4 calling birds sounds like a nightmare, I don’t want phone calls from 1 bird, much less 4.

Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.

That’s easy for you to say

A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.

Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.

Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.

To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:

That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic

A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”

Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?

Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*

told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)

[Christmas shopping]

me: I’m looking for a toy for my son

clerk: how old?

me: something new please

it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that

The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.

My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.

Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.

Cop: Again, license and registration please

When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.

[doctor’s office]

ME: I’m here for my test results

[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]

DR: I have some bad news…

I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂

13: Did you know that the youngest photo of you is also the oldest photo of you?

Me: ok Socrates time for bed

The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.