Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?

this is the greatest thing ever

Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.

I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too

please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”

A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.

10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow

Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!

10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!

if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt

I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.

me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada

[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y

Wife: What do you think our song is?

Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.

Wife: Idiot…

A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.

me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around

I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.

[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do

I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.

Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox

Wife: Aw that’s nice

[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich

me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go

Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.

Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n

Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic

I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.

Today I burned spinach.

You gotta know when to tweet em

Know when to delete em

Know when to follow someone

Know when to run

People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.

A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.

My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.

I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.

Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.

Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”

Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?