Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
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I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Doormats are a gateway rug.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
I enjoy excess
*notices my doctor is listening*
but only in moderation
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Someone asked if my niece was my sister and the look of pleasure on my 40 year old face was matched only by the look of horror on her teenage face
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Friend: If you give it some deep thought—
Me: Let me stop you right there.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign