Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
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Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles ?? The assistant said. Hardback. I said. Yeah, with little heads.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
a public service announcement
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.