Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.

SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?

ME: You’re an uber!

SON: No, with your phone

ME: Oh, sorry [types]

SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”

Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.

Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.

– Dog Logic

my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket

me: oh no

my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time

me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands

Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.

Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?

wife: tell me her name

*slap*

wife: TELL ME HER NAME

*slap slap*

wife: and where did you get a seal anyway

facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site

(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?

Bored?
Looking for some action?

Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.

I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.

sleeping beauty

you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant

Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.

I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete

I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.

There is no “we” in chocolate.

If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.

Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?

Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.

I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior

good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab

[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.

if a cop pulls u over play dead

If you need a laugh.. 😅

Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.

I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch

Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.

Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.

Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!

Me: Funny how?