Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl

-Marital tech support, how can I help you?

-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.

-Have you tried turning her off and back on?

-I did the first part.

[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.

Just know I tried.

“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”

—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson

FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat

ME: yes!

FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird

ME: yes!

FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog

ME: omg yes!

FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby

ME: ugh fine

Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”

Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?

ME: I taught myself how to play piano

INTERVIEWER: By ear?

ME: No, just with my hands

“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.

‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’

~The monster under my bed

every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life

I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.

Me: Can I have $5?

Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?

Costco ….

Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….

and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.

Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.

I miss getting my misinformation from less places

Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.

coughing profusely just to mask the sounds my stomach is making

Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.

“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit

While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems

a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off

*drops something sharp*

Brain: catch it with your foot

It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this

everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful

Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done

Also I have no idea how tampons work

“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers

I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.

Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.

I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.