Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
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“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Skip intro
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.