Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could murder a cheese sandwich. I’m not hungry. I just think I’d be capable of that.

Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.

Spell check is for lasers.

Foreigner: I want to know what love is.

Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.

i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless

Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?

Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.

I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.

Called it

playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me

My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen

(Inception)

Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?

me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*

Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.

[Orca Winfrey Show]

ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!

AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*

I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating

Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.

Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.

Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.

Her: ‘We should have another kid.’

Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’

My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭

Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*

Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.

[family get together]

mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?

me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?

Dollar General is too expensive for me. I’m looking for the 50 Cent Lieutenant Colonel.

Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.

My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese

I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude

We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder

A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.

Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?

Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago

I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.