Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
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Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
I can’t work out if the pilot taxiing towards the terminal window is doing a huge yawn or his brakes have failed.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no