Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
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so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
My old roomate who is extremely offline found out that I had a Twitter with a few thousand followers and now just texts me when he thinks his thoughts are worthy of going viral
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
I stopped by my parent’s house today briefly and my mom told me she’s “spending the day bed rotting” & that it’s her “new thing”. I swear, it’s like I have a 70 year old teenager.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night