Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok

[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf

If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.

[watching The Silence of the Lambs]

Me: Hear that?

Her: No

Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs

*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*

Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.

Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.

Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.

I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.

Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.

You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.

I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.

Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.

ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else

HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again

Last-minute gift idea!

Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.

“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives

In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.

This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.

I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…

I hope everything is ok.

The comment ads on twitter are so trippy

“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”

2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs

When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get

I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:

“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”

So far, they’re crushing it

German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.

Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty

* shows up with flowers

Wife: Are we going to the hospital?

All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.

I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.

news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.

i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar

[emergency]

[super hero appears]

GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!

HERO: I…I don’t know

[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*