“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
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Why is this me 😫
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…