Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.

(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.

Friend: so drinks later?

Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.

Friend: after 5?

Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.

Friend: uh..k?

-LATER-

Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through

*Jumps on bandwagon*

Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend

*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”

*emotional* yes?

*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*

A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.

I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.

Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.

Me: (singing along with the car radio)

Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?

Me: No, why?

Friend: So you don’t have to.

Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.

No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.

friend: what are your plans for The Purge?

[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]

me: do a murder

Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.

Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-

group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne

Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman

GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use

Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.

Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.

4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.

I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.

[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??

Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word

Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.

A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.

Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast

ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.

I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire

Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.

Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.

There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.

the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh

Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.