“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
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“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Salad is the decaf of food.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.