Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
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schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
almost typed dame instead of same and why don’t we say “same, dame” instead of “girl, same”
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Did I eat too many donuts today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.