Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em

End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face

I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.

If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.

*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*

[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]

MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*

My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.

Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.

Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?

Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.

Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?

I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!

I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.

We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day

I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.

If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.

Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*

When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦

Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine

If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.

Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.

My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears

I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.

Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again

Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ

Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.

philosophy professor: you must question everything

[later]

me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit

HER: I’m breaking up with you..

ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !

JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt

ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it

My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.

my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”