Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh

My mom at 25: Married, one kid

Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking

Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”

Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer

911: omg

Me: omg

911: “an” murderer haha

Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it

‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’

~The monster under my bed

*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*

Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.

There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.

wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter

me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did

The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.

I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.

angel: they seem to be doing well

God: give them more diseases

angel: is that really necess-

God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla

“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”

Every child ever: No you’re not.

People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.

DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals

GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay

Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now

I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.

Then we switched.

I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.

[shopping]

My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!

Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?

Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.

there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations

“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”

*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…

[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor*

*Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*

*Makes clean getaway*

After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?

Mom, can you take us to the maul?

-teen bears, probably

I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.

[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son

[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are

“Will.he.was”

-Will.i.am’s tombstone

😂