Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
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I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.