Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.

Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.

You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.

me: what do you know about atoms?

friend: very little

me: besides that

On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.

I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.

At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.

DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*

Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.

It’s the redoucheflex

I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.

*ignores high blood pressure*

[grocery store, frozen aisle]

Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Clerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?

Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas

Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.

[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]

Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating

me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right

[later at dinner]

Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine

If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter

[1983]

FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!

ME: Hahaha, cool!

[just now]

ME: OH SHIT BILLY

WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.

“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab

Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves

But I don’t like to point fingers

I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.

Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers

I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.

50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun

50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST

An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.

Octopuses call that “leg day.”

Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.

Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.

So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider

Cop: you know why I pulled you over?

Me: You thought I was black?

Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir