Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
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i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.
But cases continue to rise.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
grotesque if literal: baby food
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Selfie
