@theshantilly

Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.

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@aksorojas

“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”

“Yes!”

“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”

@lakeanagirl

I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.

@michaeldyllan

Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.

@OllyiConic

Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed

@cravin4

Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.

@MartaEffing

Is it possible to divorce someone twice? Not re-marry and divorce again, but divorce twice so you’re completely done. Like, extra divorced.

@fire2sweet

Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.

@WilliamRodgers

How to become a Saint

1: Become Catholic

2: Live an exemplary and pious life

3: Perform at least two miracles

Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby

@Robert_Beau

Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.

@jobless4eyes

What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!