Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
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ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
okay run it by me one more time
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda