Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.

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“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”


“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”


I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.


Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.


Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed


Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.


Is it possible to divorce someone twice? Not re-marry and divorce again, but divorce twice so you’re completely done. Like, extra divorced.


Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.


How to become a Saint

1: Become Catholic

2: Live an exemplary and pious life

3: Perform at least two miracles

Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby


Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.


What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?