don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t do something. show them you can’t.
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Spoiler Alert: I was late
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”