don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t do something. show them you can’t.
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Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
If snakes were wide
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
For the orator and chef in all of us
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Robots are now performing major surgeries, which means my dream of having the Fox NFL robot give me a prostate exam is closer than ever.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval