don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t do something. show them you can’t.
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Who wants to be my Valentine?
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Well, this certainly took a turn
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”