Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”

“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”

-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu

Cereal is basically dog food for humans.

Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.

If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it

Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.

The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING

It’s actually kind of funny that people pay any attention to beauty/skin/diet/fitness influencers who are in their 20’s. Like “what’s your secret??” Being 22. That’s their secret. If the kale salad exfoliation regimen still works after menopause THEN they might be on to something

DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight

ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down

DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here

.. do you even science?

“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt

“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump

Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.

Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??

Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.

Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?

All other inmates (in unison): No.

*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*

what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?

beavers are so funny why are you a little rat doing hydraulic engineering

Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.

It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it

OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.

– My clothes.

An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.

To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.

Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT

Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”

Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox

I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.

“No way.” -Jose

met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏

doctor: can you describe the pain?

me: i have a knife sticking into me

doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain

me: sharp

doctor: like a knife?

me: yes, exactly that

doctor: *proudly* its my first day