I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
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Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
This oatmeal tastes like I’m gonna need a doughnut.
Them: You’re burnt out.
T: You need a break
T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?
T: Hell no.