“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
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Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
my fav colour is also hitler
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.