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@ericonederful

I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.

@FeralCrone

An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.

@RealPrincessKim

You know that scene in 8 Mile where Eminem disses himself so the other guy has nothing to rap about? That’s basically my only plan in life.

@kumailn

Life hack: Stare into your Uber driver’s eyes through the rear view mirror the entire time.

@Vice_Queen

Boss: You’re late!

M: It’s 6.30am

B: You start at 6am!

M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.

And now we wait for HR.

@FullMetalMommy

My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.

@Kyle_Raney

“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”

*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*

@TheToddWilliams

“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”

She has a name you know!

“What is it?”

…Paige.

@thejessbess

I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.