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I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.


Told someone what city I live in.

“Oh are you married to a doctor?”

“No. My husband is though.”


Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?


If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever


H: What’s for breakfast?

M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*

H: Great, when are you making potatoes?

M: They’re in my orange juice.


gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better


[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.


Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.

T: You need a break
M: Yes.

T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?

T: Hell no.