I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
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How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.