Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
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Adding “but that’s just me” after giving the absolute worst dogshit advice to a coworker
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
sign of the times 🖊
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*