Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
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Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
About 6 years ago, a new lad at work would have been sacked if I hadn’t spotted what he was doing wrong and stepped in. Now, he’s my manager & records my weekly performance. Without fail I’m 100-110%. It’s really nearer 30% with the rest of the week spent playing FIFA. Cheers bud
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
once again, i have fallen for life’s biggest scam: being two hours early for a flight only for security to take roughly seven minutes
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.