Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
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Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.