Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
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Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.