Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

be myself? the person who got me into this mess????

[slowly removing special glasses]

Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing

Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here

Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?

Him: …

*peeks under bathroom stall*

Did you hear me?

[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all

An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.

I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.

[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want

You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real

Him: I eat healthily

Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else

I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”

Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)

him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?

me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar

Don’t get angry…

…get pizza.

I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window

I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face

I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.

I’m willing to pay more for a powerful banh mi.

Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?

7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten

Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks

Springsteen: baby we were born to run

Springsadult: let’s just take a cab

Him: Can I have your number?

Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.

No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though

Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips

Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.

Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.

Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?

Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!

i meant to share this earlier

Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain

Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL

When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.

I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry

God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.