Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
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ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?
— my kid on a Saturday
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
15: how come I have to go to bed but you get to stay up late?
me: cause I’m 41 and can make bad decisions
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha