Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
You Might Also Like
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “