Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

certified hallow’s eve classic

“I’m sorry”:
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volume: ▁ 5%

“…but”:
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volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%

my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?

Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1215654926153584640/pu/vid/640x640/3QYDnNKIV5Z5oXpV.mp4?tag=10

Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking

My true love: no don’t

Me: what? Why not?

My true love: just trust me

Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.

3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!

Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.

3: *realizes growing up was a trap*

My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?

My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.

“We’re still looking for a side project”

Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses

“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”

Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead

*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*

*Adds history major to resumé*

If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.

Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

You didn’t say anything.

Yes, you’re welcome.

nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system

2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged

~ This is a running joke

I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.

I think she said something about listening too.

My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro

[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [looking at menu] what page are u on

was Jim off killing horses or…

News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.

Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!

*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*

ME: Hon, wtf?

HER: push up bra

I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.

Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures

What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?

Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.

yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird