Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
You Might Also Like
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
This girl has such star power. She so clearly exemplifies the disgust in this image & pulls the emotional weight for her less-committed peers imo
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*