Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.

Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.

*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*

Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.

Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.

“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians

Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life

Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing

I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.

Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them

Me: [to myself] ok, act cool

Crush: nice weather today

Me: thanks

What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.

Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.

If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.

Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.

Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over

showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt

Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.

I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.

It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…

Don’t have kids.

just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake

Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants

10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.

[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day

You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?

A horror story:

You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.

That’s it that’s the whole story.

*sniffs glue

glue: I have a boyfriend

You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.

I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.

*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*

Random dm guy: What are you wearing?

Me: A scathing look of disdain

Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.

Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.

Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-

Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]