Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38

I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.

Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.

*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!

When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.

I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.

true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”

[1863]

LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—

MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers

omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse

If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.

Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.

If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can

*pronounces surface like Versace*

Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

[Girl’s night out]

Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there

Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME

Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.

it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher

Social media for large reptiles: Instagator

Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.

[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here

i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit

*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.

anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened

this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets

Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.

Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?

Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.

bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit

My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.