Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.

Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*

Me: Dammit

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Meanwhile India is just blown away that you can get Britain to leave by voting


“This syrup tastes funny…”

-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes


In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties


“I’m single by choice” I whisper to the pizza delivery guy as he hands me my change.


I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous


Women who get kidnapped while jogging: you’re not jogging fast enough


From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.


My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.

So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.


When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.


*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*

pfft… I could do it in 8