Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
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i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
also my go-to takeaway order
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas